After receiving my letter about the national security dangers I was exposing everyone to by flying without an ASIC, I decided it was my duty as an Australian to get one..... it also seemed I didn’t have much choice if I wanted to keep flying.

 This is the (ongoing) story of my ASIC application.

All will be revealed - The highs, the lows.... OK, it's mostly lows.

Early October - Being informed

I've get my letter from Air Services, or CASA, or AFP or someone (OK, I can't really remember who) and they let me know that if I don't have a ASIC I'm probably a terrorist.

"Hmm, that's not good", I think - But if the government is saying it, it must be true.

More thoughts hit me... An official looking all-access pass with my photo on it might just impress the girls.

I'm in.

Good thing our government is looking out for us. Those silly terrorists will plan a strike and then realise their plans are foiled because they haven't got their ASIC - Ingenious.

 Mid-to-Late October - Being reminded

In at my flying club I see the sign "Have you got your ASIC yet?" - Oh, bugger better get onto that before everyone thinks I'm one of those Non-ASIC terrorists. Besides, I don't have one of those slick new photo licenses as yet. These undoubtedly are also designed specifically to attract girls.

Late October - The enquiry

Hmmm, who did I need to apply to again? CASA, Air Services, the airport, AOPA, my flying club, my dodgy cousin Larry?

So many thoughts of where to start, yet surprisingly hard to find the answer.....

I'm in luck!!! - On CASA's web site they have an announcement that CASA will now be issuing ASICS and providing security checks. How convenient!

Time to get them the blower....

Still late October - Enquiry 2 (the sequel)

Faster than a bespeckled accountant filling in a tax return I locate the licensing number on the CASA site and call.

"Hi, how do I get a photo license and an ASIC?"

Greeted by a friendly lady in licensing, "You can get your photo license through us, but CASA doesn't issue ASICS - You'll have to speak to your local airport"

What? I hadn't included my airport in my “Who should I contact” panic list.  Hang on..... Doesn't the announcement on the CASA site say they are now issuing the ASICS?

I repeat my question to the lady on the other end trying to state the obvious diplomatically. We get into a conversation about how she knows nothing about it, and they haven't got the documentation or procedures and isn't it typical of the minister to screw it up.

Very polite and somewhat entertaining, but not particularly helpful. Doesn’t she know I’m on a path to avoid becoming a terrorist and impressing the girls.

We agree to leave it a week (or so) and I'll call back and see if she's been filled in by then.

Early November - Do I really want to be grounded?

More letters informing me if I don't get my ASIC by 31st December then I should probably become more familiar with the street directory and the popular "Extremists guide to the Koran".

Time to try CASA again.

Early November - Enquiry 3 (Bigger budget, lesser known actors)

"Hi, how do I get a photo license and an ASIC?"

"You don't need a photo licence" 

"But I need a ASIC, and I thought I read I needed a photo licence" 

"You don't need a photo licence!" 

This conversation was really fairly long and involved my CASA man trawling through flowcharts and various bits of documentation. We both leant something.

His increasingly condescending tone convinced me that my non-photo license was fine, but I still needed that ASIC.

Turn's out I'm an idiot. He did start out polite though.

Form 639 here I come.

Application Form 639 - Dual purpose ASIC and AVID.

Confusing, but how convenient! That's a saving I'm sure that will be passed on.

Mid November - Prepare the application

I've got my passport sized photos, being careful not to smile in them. Surprisingly easy at this point.

I've filled in a heap of answers and given the power to CASA and the AFP to go through my garbage, put my mother under interrogation, and connect my kids up to electrodes if they have to – Or if the basic desire hits them. 

I've put down my credit card numbers so that it doesn't cost anyone but me, god forbid the “user pays system” becomes misnamed. Hmm, a lot of money for what they are doing.... Say, what’s $145 x 33,000 pilots........ Holly molly, are they printing these things on gold?

I've gotten my JP to witness the signature and certify the photo's - Rats! My signature is just fractions of a millimetre out of the box. Who's going to worry?

I decide against filling in the forms again, getting more non-smiley photos and another trip to the JP - She'll be right, surely that part mill' won't worry the good guys at CASA..... I start to panic.

Mid November - Send that sucker

Manila enveloped freshly licked closed, I keenly hand it to the angry looking lady behind the counter.  "Registered post to Canberra please, and can I have a delivery receipt when it gets there?" - Man, and isn't this just another story. But, perhaps another time.

Australia Post swings into action.

2 weeks later.....

"Why I haven't gotten my delivery receipt yet?" I toss a mental coin to punt at which agency has got it wrong.

Late November - The disappearing application

After a long web search I find the Australia Post registered post enquiry number. I trawl through about a gazillion levels of automated phone service menus and get to my friendly postal call centre worker...

 "Registered post number?"

"Hi, I've recently sent a letter thr....." 

 "Registered post number!?!"

"OK, it number 4312468723"

(Minor pause) "No record of that being collected, if they haven't collected it in 2 weeks it will be returned" 

"It's really important they guys get that letter, it's an application that ne....." 

"If they haven't collected it in 2 weeks it will be returned, there's nothing I can do" 

"Err, thanks" 

Late November - Same glorious day

I call CASA licensing and ask if they have received my application......

"Well we have received thousands of applications, so it's probably here"

"But the post office says you haven't collected it?"

"You’ll need to speak to the mail room - Please hold"

Early December - For the next few days’ I bounce between feeling grateful and fighty

I'll not go into each phone call; there were about six or seven. The CASA mailroom guy was extremely helpful and went to every effort to find if it had arrived or not. Very long and boring, frustrating story. But good news - It’s THERE!

Turns out that CASA received a lot of registered mail and so they are exempt from completing the process that lets Australia Post know that it has been collected. Another example of the system working.

The mail room guy lets me know that they have gotten heaps of applications (I wonder if that's because pilots like flying!?!?) and that they are around a month late in processing applications. I should call back early January to check on progress.

Early December – OK, you slackos you can have another three months.

Apparently, because the pilots have left their applications so late it is entirely their fault that they haven’t got their ASICS yet. CASA’s generosity department issues an edict that an extension of 3 months is to be given for those that have their applications in prior to 31^st of December. How CASA will know that they got their applications in prior to the cut-off leaves me thinking so hard my nose bleeds.

Early December - Mr Wong, Mr Wong I've lost al my travellers’ cheques...

Thanks to an alcohol induced memory lapse my wife has lost (or had stolen) her mobile phone and all our credit cards somewhere on Hamilton Island. Inconvenient.

I'm told by my friends at Casa licensing that a simple fax explaining the situation and the new numbers should fix the problem. So I punch in the magic numbers into the fax and the paper magically gets "beamed down" to CASA's offices.

Early January - "How’s it going?"

A friendly lady answers at CASA.

"Hi, just wondering how my application for an ASIC is going?"

I give her my AR, but it's not registered that they've started processing it. But I'm reassured that I'm covered given I've got my application in before 31st March. Whew!

She suggests I call back in a month. OK, no problem.

I explain how it was totally my wife’s fault that our cards got stolen and enquire if they received my fax. "I'm sure we did, but I've got no record of it".

What? Are basic records keeping systems expensive? This now seems disturbingly normal.

Early February - Have you started yet?

Success!!! My application is being processed and has been forward to the AFP. Time to hook up the electrodes to the kids.

I can expect my ASIC in a couple of weeks according to my friendly phone-answerer.

Late February - Have you finished yet?

Nope still with the AFP, should be ready in a couple of weeks.

Early March - Electronic status enquiry. Handy

I look at the CASA site for the hundredth time to get the licensing number.

I really should have written that down.

Hey, an automated enquiry facility to be answered within 2 working days - Now we're talking, computers will fix this. I've learnt nothing.

Mid March - Electronic status enquiry. A liar

After around 10 days of waiting for my 2 day response I call CASA licensing. They don't know what I mean by online enquiry, but tell me they get thousands of emails so of course they didn't respond in 2 day. Thank goodness, I'm back to familiar ground - I'm an idiot.

After a quick ARN search, I’m still sitting with the AFP - Which explains my mothers’ disappearance.

Apparently Qantas is printing the ASICS and so I'll get a letter from them when it's ready - Until then it's really out of CASA's hands. Makes sense.

End March - The panic sets in

No word from Qantas, scared to call CASA.

I now know in my application was received 16^th of November and it is now 26^th of March. If five months to process my ASIC is some sort of record, nobody seems to be boasting about it.

I start researching which regulation covers taxiing the entire way to your destination?

Continued in part 2 .....